Postive News for June 24th- June 30th

MADOFF EXPECTED TO LIVE ANOTHER 150 YEARS

71-year-old former Wall Street Financier Bernard Madoff is expected to live until he is at least 221 years-old in accordance with his June 29th court ruling. Denny Chin, the U.S. District Judge presiding over the trial, opted against a fate-sealing lifetime prison term, instead offering Madoff a 150-year sentence and the prospect of freedom upon its completion. If the decision is carried out without appeal, Madoff can expect to rejoin society in the year 2159. [click for silver lining: "Madoff Slammed With 150-Year Sentence"]

RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT SAVES WASHINTON TIME, MONEY

The Reelection of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is expected to save valuable time and American taxpayer dollars as it relieves the Obama administration from having to educate themselves about a new middle-eastern leader. The numerous hours and fiscal resources typically required for a presidential cabinet to familiarize itself with the personality, civic history, and overall governing style of a new world leader comes at a great price for Americans who trust in their government to understand the international political landscape. The re-election of Ahmadinejad, a familiar face with an already documented political flair, greatly reduces the financial burden placed on American taxpayers still reeling in the mire of an economic recession. If the current pattern in Iran should continue, the Ahmadinejad presidency has the potential to become a successful money-saving venture similar to the model of North Korea’s Kim Jong Ill. [click here for silver lining: "Partial Recount Shows Election Valid"]

COLLEGIATE STUDENT DIET SET TO IMPROVE

The dietary habits of U.S. college students are expected to make a slight health conscious turn for the better following the brief reduction of cookie dough, a collegiate consumption staple. As snack food production giant Nestle momentarily reduces the amount of cookie dough it injects into the market, college students will be forced to find an alternative easy-to-prepare snack to fill the void cookie dough will most certainly leave behind. With few foods containing cookie dough’s proficient sugar, fat and calorie contents, whatever foods U.S. college students select will most certainly be a step toward promoting a healthy lifestyle and longevity. [click here for silver lining: "Ecoli Found At Nestle Plant"]

SPECIAL UPDATE!

ED McMAHON FINALLY TOP BANANA

Long-time television personality Ed McMahon, who is most remembered as Johnny Carson’s side-kick on the “Tonight Show” has finally emerged as a leading man in Hollywood. McMahon, a former on-air pitch man, was the first on a short list of Hollywood celebrities to make an unforgettable splash in the national headlines. Though his actions have been slightly overshadowed, it is clear McMahon will be remembered for leading the way. [click for silver lining]

MICHAEL JACKSON FINDS WAY OUT OF OVERWHELMING TOUR EXPECTATIONS

Legendary performer and pop music icon Michael Jackson executed a plan Thursday, which will relieve him from the overwhelming responsibilities of his upcoming London concert dates. The plan, already in affect, permanently rids Jackson from meeting the crushing expectations of his troubled 50-performance London concert series. The performances were heralded as Jackson’s ‘comeback’ to prominence selling over 800,000 tickets within 5 hours, but had recently fallen a full week behind schedule. Jackson is expected to use this time to rest. [click for silver lining]

FARRAH FAWCETT OPENS THE DOOR FOR RISING YOUNG TALENT

American actress and 70s pin-up star Farah Fawcett gave back to entertainment Thursday, by allowing the industry to focus on up-and-coming young talent. The Charlie’s Angels star known for her golden locks and beach-clad image walked toward and through the lime-light for the last time, allowing a younger generation the chance to be noticed by the media. Despite heart-felt pleas resisting Fawcett’s departure, a comeback at this point seems unlikely. [click here for silver lining]

Positive News for June 17th -23rd

IRANIAN GOVERNMENT KEEPS PROMISE TO PEOPLE

The Government of Iran proved true to its word over the weekend as it fulfilled a major political promise just 8 days into the new presidency. Citizens of Tehran were overwhelmed when the government kept its vow to the people, causing many excited citizens to share the experience with the outside world. Though the government has come under scrutiny for its dedication to move beyond political rhetoric, it has regained the respect it demands from its citizens.
[click for silver lining: "Iran Vows To Teach Protesters A 'Lesson'"]

PUBLIC TRANSIT GAINS NATIONAL ATTENTION
The Washington DC Metrorail system helped raise awareness for utilizing public transportation Tuesday after bringing the commuter rail service to the national stage. The occasion marks a new era for travel conscious commuters, changing the way Americans think about public transportation. The outcome of the transportation exercise is a testament to the ability of the DC Metrorail transit system as the federal government insists it could not assume credit.
[click for silver lining: "DC Transit Train Smashes Into Another"]

RELIEF PILOT RECEIVES IN-AIR PROMOTION
A relief pilot for Continental Airlines Flight 61 received an in-flight promotion to “co-pilot” Thursday during an international flight from Brussels to Newark. The announcement came after 60-year-old pilot Captain Craig Lenell unexpectedly retired, elevating Flight 61’s relief pilot through the chain of command. In an effort to minimize any uncontrollable excitement, the 247 passengers were not alerted of the advancement.
[click for silver lining: "Emergency Landing After Pilot Dies"]

Positive News for June 10th- June 16th

THEORIES SURROUNDING ELECTION SUGGEST IRAN BECOMING MORE AMERICAN

Drawing blatant similarities to the United State’s own presidential race of 2000, the circumstances encompassing Iran’s presidential election results suggest the Muslim nation and self-proclaimed enemy of the United States is slowly becoming more American. With two separate parties claiming victory via popular vote in a fashion requiring federal intervention and vote recalculation, Iran’s electoral procedure has embodied the very essence of the American democratic experience. [click here for SILVER LINING]

DESPITE TITLE HIATUS, LAKERS FANS REMAIN PASSIONATE

A spirited display from hundreds of Los Angeles residents Sunday proved support for the city’s most prominent basketball team had not wavered despite the lack of an NBA title for a better part of the decade. Fans utilized sheer crowd numbers to reassure Lakers players, franchise owners, and local law enforcement agents that they had not lost faith in the once storied basketball organization. The highly publicized reassurance demonstration culminated as 20 hand-selected supporters were asked to share their Lakers fervor with local correctional facilities. [click here for SILVER LINING]

ADHD MEDICATION MAY PERMANENTLY CURE SYMPTOMS IN CHILDREN

A recent study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests certain stimulants used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (AHDH) may instantly halt all symptoms in children. Although the study found that 1.8 percent of the 564 children and adolescents diagnosed saw a sudden and unexpected departure from all negative attributes associated with the disorder it could not, however, conclude a 100% effective rating for all patients currently utilizing the stimulant medications. Scientists caution parents, despite the findings, that further research and careful monitoring are needed before changing the current usage of the medications or treatments. [click here for SILVER LINING]

Positive News for June 3rd- June 9th

SLIM JIM FACTORY PROMOTES PRODUCT REPUTATION

Beef jerky stick and extreme snack consumption pioneer Slim Jim, enforced its product’s alternative lifestyle branding with a spontaneous display of excitement inside one of its North Carolina factories. The spontaneous display caught most of the factory’s own workers completely by surprise with a sudden burst of energy enveloping the entire area. The Slim Jim factory’s powerful action legitimizes the sense of adventure Slim Jim attempts to provide toward anyone associated with the extreme dried meat stick. Fearing students at a nearby Wake County elementary and middle school might fall under the influence of Slim Jim’s marketing play, school officials chose to keep students inside. [click for SILVER LINING]

NORTH KOREA GRANTS 12-YEAR RESIDENCE TO U.S JOURNALISTS

The government of North Korea has given two American journalists the reporting opportunity of a lifetime Monday by granting them 12-year residence inside the elusive communist country. Current TV journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee are the lucky recipients of the honor allowing them the opportunity to experience North Korean life first hand under the protective eye of the nation’s government. Though neither Ling nor Lee will be allowed to publish their reports during their 12-year adventure, they will most certainly share of the experience upon the completion of their stay. [click for SILVER LINING]

AIRLINE INDUSTRY SUPPORTS ON-THE-JOB TRAINING

A review of the airline industry’s National Transportation Safety Board records has revealed a spirit of on-the-job training amongst many pilots throughout the domestic United States. Traditionally pilots have been subject to rigorous training and simulated flight training exercises meant to ensure their level of aptitude before receiving accreditation by the Federal Aviation Administration. In contrast the results of the NTSB records suggest contemporary pilots are given an opportunity to improve on their aviary shortcomings and personal growth while piloting full commercial flights about the country. [click for SILVER LINING]