Positive News for July 22nd- July 28th

SOUTHERN MEN SHAKE “BACKWOODS” STEREO-TYPE

7 North Carolina men have successfully challenged the world’s perception of the American south after embracing philosophies associated with prominent international thought. In a region unfairly identified as “redneck,” the 7 men serve as ambassadors to a new south through the study of old-world, middle-eastern teachings, an affinity for international travel, and a commitment to sharing their ideals with other men throughout the community. Although they initially appeared to completely favor foreign philosophy to the American way of life, the southern “renaissance” men’s full support of the 2nd amendment helped to reinforce their US identity. [click here for silver lining: “7 in North Carolina Charged With Supporting Terrorism”]

BAHAMAS HELP CURB ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

The islands surrounding the Bahamas have joined in the fight to ward off illegal immigration in the Caribbean after preventing a small migrant vessel from landing in the area. The seaward vessel containing upwards of 200 unauthorized immigrants set off from the country of Haiti in hopes of illegally reaching a more economically stable country. The voyage nearly resulted in an unlawful immigration until the islands of Turks and Ciacos were there to restore order. While many of these migrants might again attempt to evade the law, a small number will never make the trip again. [click here for silver lining: “Haitian Boat Capsizes; Dozens Missing”]

PHELPS ESCAPES SUPER-HUMAN RESPONSIBILITY

Olympic champion and multiple world record holder Michael Phelps has finally managed to elude the responsibility of being super-human. The American swimmer who became one of the world’s most recognizable athletes after winning 8 gold medals during a single Olympic games can finally begin living a normal life without the pressure associated with being an international model of fitness perfection. At this point it is unclear if Phelps plans to regain his athletic freak-of-nature prowess, or if he will be content performing at a regular, human level. [click here for silver lining: “Coach Threatens To Pull Phelps”]

Positive News for July 15th-21st

BAILOUT ESTIMATE CAN HELP CULTIVATE IMAGINATION

A new report estimating the financial costs of the current administration’s economic bailout can help in the development of the human imagination. The dollar amounts freely used throughout the Troubled Asset Relief Program’s report require the mind to attempt to not only comprehend numbers that are impossible to fathom, but to also justify an instance when they could ever be legitimately used. Despite a person’s age, standing, or profession the report’s honest use of fanciful numbers and figures could be the preliminary step to helping Americans imagine a way to make the numbers slowly dissapear. [click here for silver lining: “Bailout Worst Case Tally: $23.7 Trillion”]

TWIN ACTORS CAN EXPECT FAN BASE GROWTH

The popularity of a set of identical twin actors is expected to increase dramatically following a residency amongst potential fans. Once only identifiable to a specific sub-culture, Taleon and Keyontyli Goffney are poised to become the most recognizable and sought-after performers in their entire community. Though the twins’ new workload appears both daunting and overwhelming, their previous collaborative projects should serve as adequate preparation. [click here for silver lining: “Twin Pornstars Turn Rooftop Robbers”]

GRANDMOTHER ABIDES BY STATE LAWS

A grandmother of two has honored Florida’s minimum gambling age requirement after not allowing her underage children to accompany her inside a Hallandale Casino. The grandmother, recognizing her 2 and 14 year-old grandchildren were well below the state’s minimum age requirement of 18, agreed with the state’s moral position on appropriate gambling age and entered the casino alone. Witnesses to the scene were left in a state of shock by the grandmother’s bold action, alerting authorities to the work she had done. [click here for silver lining: “Grandchildren Left In Car While Woman Gambled”]

Positive News For July 8th- July 14th

UNDERAGE GIRL MAKES ADULT DECISION

The 20-year-old girlfriend of former NFL quarterback Steve McNair displayed maturity beyond her years last week after making a life-altering decision typically reserved for adults. Sahel Kazemi, a waitress turned romantic acquaintance of the once Tennessee Titans great, chose to spend the rest of her life with McNair following a brief secret courtship in Nashville, TN. Though Kazemi’s charismatic gesture could simply be disregarded as the direct result of overwhelming passion, her commitment to following her decision through to the end is clearly undeniable. [click for silver lining: “McNair’s Girlfriend Behind Murder-Suicide”]

CHINESE HOUSING MARKET SET TO SOAR

The housing market in southwestern China is expected to soar following a sudden region-wide interest in home improvement last Friday. Despite a global economic crisis, the building/construction industry in China’s Yunnan province will soon be completely overwhelmed while as many as 18,000 new homes could be built and another 75,000 could be seeking minor to major improvements. As it currently stands China’s tent and quilt industries have already experienced an incredible jump in both sales and production in the area. [click for silver lining: “400,000 Displaced In China After Quake”]

FORMER ATHLETE TURNS ENTREPRENEUR

Former American Champion and Olympic figure skater Nicole Bobek has added the title “small business entrepreneur” to her list of remarkable life achievements. The once prominent figure skating icon is now making headlines for her moves outside the rink after her connection to a successful east coast small business was discovered. Though Bobek has surprised fans with her achievements so distant from the world of figure skating, it is clear that she is still addicted to the ice. [click for silver lining: “Ex-skater Pleads Not Guilty In Meth Case”]

Positive News for July 1st- July 7th

SARAH PALIN COULD BLAZE NEW TRAIL TO THE WHITE HOUSE

Riding the ‘maverick’ persona she embodied throughout Senator John McCain’s run for the white house, Sarah Palin may be embarking on a completely uncharted path to the 2012 presidency. Palin, known for her sometimes unorthodox behavior as a woman, mother, and politician of America’s great frontier state of Alaska, may just buck the system yet again by taking a path to oval office that has never before been traversed. While the typical route to the presidency has been marked by accomplished service in the political arena or successful military experience, Palin has chosen to prematurely relieve herself from Alaska’s gubernatorial duties. If Palin were to run and win the 2012 presidential election, her new journey would forever change the standard for achieving America’s highest honor. [click for silver lining: "Palin's Move Leaves Future Unclear"]

CHINESE CATCH UP TO NEW WORLD TREND

The Chinese have finally caught on to the latest trend which has been sweeping throughout the world since fall 2001. China’s traditional Han people, though facing setbacks, have successfully joined the international community in one of the decade’s most popular trends involving cross-cultural interaction with the Islamic world. Although the Chinese are relatively new to making headlines in association with the Islamic community, like most new opportunities facing the Chinese, they are expected to excel. [click here for silver lining: "Hundreds Of Armed Chinese March On Muslims"]

HEAD SPY PROVES FACEBOOK IS FOR EVERYONE

Facebook, the online social networking website for “anyone” received further reinforcement for that claim this week after the head of Brittan’s national intelligence agency appeared on his wife’s profile. The appearance of MI6 director John Sawers on his wife’s profile has served to turn the ‘youth only’ stigma surrounding Facebook toward the growing belief that, indeed, anyone from the average world’s teenager to the head of a storied national intelligence agency can be involved with Facebook. Sawers’s online appearance along with multiple images identifying the likeness of his wife, children, and home went on to illustrate that regular users and high-profile users alike are capable of easily sharing fun family information with friends and the entire world. [click for silver lining: "The Spy Who Loved Facebook"]

5th GRADERS RECEIVE SEX EDUCATION

In a move that has shocked parents around the country, several 5th grade students at Isabelle Jackson Elementary school have recently undergone discussions about the “birds and the bees.” The pre-adolescent sex education is the result of progressive 5th grade teacher Crystal Defanti’s dedication to educating her students to the unexpected events of the ever-changing world around them. Although much of the actual discussion is conducted in the home by parents, Ms. Defanti’s influence still serves as guidance. [click for silver lining: "Teacher Gives Sex Tape To 5th Graders"]

Postive News for June 24th- June 30th

MADOFF EXPECTED TO LIVE ANOTHER 150 YEARS

71-year-old former Wall Street Financier Bernard Madoff is expected to live until he is at least 221 years-old in accordance with his June 29th court ruling. Denny Chin, the U.S. District Judge presiding over the trial, opted against a fate-sealing lifetime prison term, instead offering Madoff a 150-year sentence and the prospect of freedom upon its completion. If the decision is carried out without appeal, Madoff can expect to rejoin society in the year 2159. [click for silver lining: "Madoff Slammed With 150-Year Sentence"]

RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT SAVES WASHINTON TIME, MONEY

The Reelection of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is expected to save valuable time and American taxpayer dollars as it relieves the Obama administration from having to educate themselves about a new middle-eastern leader. The numerous hours and fiscal resources typically required for a presidential cabinet to familiarize itself with the personality, civic history, and overall governing style of a new world leader comes at a great price for Americans who trust in their government to understand the international political landscape. The re-election of Ahmadinejad, a familiar face with an already documented political flair, greatly reduces the financial burden placed on American taxpayers still reeling in the mire of an economic recession. If the current pattern in Iran should continue, the Ahmadinejad presidency has the potential to become a successful money-saving venture similar to the model of North Korea’s Kim Jong Ill. [click here for silver lining: "Partial Recount Shows Election Valid"]

COLLEGIATE STUDENT DIET SET TO IMPROVE

The dietary habits of U.S. college students are expected to make a slight health conscious turn for the better following the brief reduction of cookie dough, a collegiate consumption staple. As snack food production giant Nestle momentarily reduces the amount of cookie dough it injects into the market, college students will be forced to find an alternative easy-to-prepare snack to fill the void cookie dough will most certainly leave behind. With few foods containing cookie dough’s proficient sugar, fat and calorie contents, whatever foods U.S. college students select will most certainly be a step toward promoting a healthy lifestyle and longevity. [click here for silver lining: "Ecoli Found At Nestle Plant"]

SPECIAL UPDATE!

ED McMAHON FINALLY TOP BANANA

Long-time television personality Ed McMahon, who is most remembered as Johnny Carson’s side-kick on the “Tonight Show” has finally emerged as a leading man in Hollywood. McMahon, a former on-air pitch man, was the first on a short list of Hollywood celebrities to make an unforgettable splash in the national headlines. Though his actions have been slightly overshadowed, it is clear McMahon will be remembered for leading the way. [click for silver lining]

MICHAEL JACKSON FINDS WAY OUT OF OVERWHELMING TOUR EXPECTATIONS

Legendary performer and pop music icon Michael Jackson executed a plan Thursday, which will relieve him from the overwhelming responsibilities of his upcoming London concert dates. The plan, already in affect, permanently rids Jackson from meeting the crushing expectations of his troubled 50-performance London concert series. The performances were heralded as Jackson’s ‘comeback’ to prominence selling over 800,000 tickets within 5 hours, but had recently fallen a full week behind schedule. Jackson is expected to use this time to rest. [click for silver lining]

FARRAH FAWCETT OPENS THE DOOR FOR RISING YOUNG TALENT

American actress and 70s pin-up star Farah Fawcett gave back to entertainment Thursday, by allowing the industry to focus on up-and-coming young talent. The Charlie’s Angels star known for her golden locks and beach-clad image walked toward and through the lime-light for the last time, allowing a younger generation the chance to be noticed by the media. Despite heart-felt pleas resisting Fawcett’s departure, a comeback at this point seems unlikely. [click here for silver lining]

Positive News for June 17th -23rd

IRANIAN GOVERNMENT KEEPS PROMISE TO PEOPLE

The Government of Iran proved true to its word over the weekend as it fulfilled a major political promise just 8 days into the new presidency. Citizens of Tehran were overwhelmed when the government kept its vow to the people, causing many excited citizens to share the experience with the outside world. Though the government has come under scrutiny for its dedication to move beyond political rhetoric, it has regained the respect it demands from its citizens.
[click for silver lining: "Iran Vows To Teach Protesters A 'Lesson'"]

PUBLIC TRANSIT GAINS NATIONAL ATTENTION
The Washington DC Metrorail system helped raise awareness for utilizing public transportation Tuesday after bringing the commuter rail service to the national stage. The occasion marks a new era for travel conscious commuters, changing the way Americans think about public transportation. The outcome of the transportation exercise is a testament to the ability of the DC Metrorail transit system as the federal government insists it could not assume credit.
[click for silver lining: "DC Transit Train Smashes Into Another"]

RELIEF PILOT RECEIVES IN-AIR PROMOTION
A relief pilot for Continental Airlines Flight 61 received an in-flight promotion to “co-pilot” Thursday during an international flight from Brussels to Newark. The announcement came after 60-year-old pilot Captain Craig Lenell unexpectedly retired, elevating Flight 61’s relief pilot through the chain of command. In an effort to minimize any uncontrollable excitement, the 247 passengers were not alerted of the advancement.
[click for silver lining: "Emergency Landing After Pilot Dies"]

Positive News for June 10th- June 16th

THEORIES SURROUNDING ELECTION SUGGEST IRAN BECOMING MORE AMERICAN

Drawing blatant similarities to the United State’s own presidential race of 2000, the circumstances encompassing Iran’s presidential election results suggest the Muslim nation and self-proclaimed enemy of the United States is slowly becoming more American. With two separate parties claiming victory via popular vote in a fashion requiring federal intervention and vote recalculation, Iran’s electoral procedure has embodied the very essence of the American democratic experience. [click here for SILVER LINING]

DESPITE TITLE HIATUS, LAKERS FANS REMAIN PASSIONATE

A spirited display from hundreds of Los Angeles residents Sunday proved support for the city’s most prominent basketball team had not wavered despite the lack of an NBA title for a better part of the decade. Fans utilized sheer crowd numbers to reassure Lakers players, franchise owners, and local law enforcement agents that they had not lost faith in the once storied basketball organization. The highly publicized reassurance demonstration culminated as 20 hand-selected supporters were asked to share their Lakers fervor with local correctional facilities. [click here for SILVER LINING]

ADHD MEDICATION MAY PERMANENTLY CURE SYMPTOMS IN CHILDREN

A recent study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests certain stimulants used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (AHDH) may instantly halt all symptoms in children. Although the study found that 1.8 percent of the 564 children and adolescents diagnosed saw a sudden and unexpected departure from all negative attributes associated with the disorder it could not, however, conclude a 100% effective rating for all patients currently utilizing the stimulant medications. Scientists caution parents, despite the findings, that further research and careful monitoring are needed before changing the current usage of the medications or treatments. [click here for SILVER LINING]

Positive News for June 3rd- June 9th

SLIM JIM FACTORY PROMOTES PRODUCT REPUTATION

Beef jerky stick and extreme snack consumption pioneer Slim Jim, enforced its product’s alternative lifestyle branding with a spontaneous display of excitement inside one of its North Carolina factories. The spontaneous display caught most of the factory’s own workers completely by surprise with a sudden burst of energy enveloping the entire area. The Slim Jim factory’s powerful action legitimizes the sense of adventure Slim Jim attempts to provide toward anyone associated with the extreme dried meat stick. Fearing students at a nearby Wake County elementary and middle school might fall under the influence of Slim Jim’s marketing play, school officials chose to keep students inside. [click for SILVER LINING]

NORTH KOREA GRANTS 12-YEAR RESIDENCE TO U.S JOURNALISTS

The government of North Korea has given two American journalists the reporting opportunity of a lifetime Monday by granting them 12-year residence inside the elusive communist country. Current TV journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee are the lucky recipients of the honor allowing them the opportunity to experience North Korean life first hand under the protective eye of the nation’s government. Though neither Ling nor Lee will be allowed to publish their reports during their 12-year adventure, they will most certainly share of the experience upon the completion of their stay. [click for SILVER LINING]

AIRLINE INDUSTRY SUPPORTS ON-THE-JOB TRAINING

A review of the airline industry’s National Transportation Safety Board records has revealed a spirit of on-the-job training amongst many pilots throughout the domestic United States. Traditionally pilots have been subject to rigorous training and simulated flight training exercises meant to ensure their level of aptitude before receiving accreditation by the Federal Aviation Administration. In contrast the results of the NTSB records suggest contemporary pilots are given an opportunity to improve on their aviary shortcomings and personal growth while piloting full commercial flights about the country. [click for SILVER LINING]

May 20th -May 26th

Iran Makes Strides, Joins The Technologically Advanced Community
The nation of Iran stepped forward into the technologically developed community last week with the successful completion of a much anticipated experiment. The experiment, which roughly centers around the way Iran communicates with other countries in the region, has undoubtedly given the Persian Gulf state a much deserved level of legitimacy and respect throughout the world. All the more remarkable is the steadfast dedication to excellence guiding Iran’s success after facing years of scrutiny from the US and U.N. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton believes Iran’s bold moves despite opposition could set an example for other nations in the region. [silver lining]


Missing Person Possibly Found
Authorities in Channahon, Illinois have possibly tracked down two area women who had been reported missing since 2007. The women were spotted keeping a low profile near a Will County, Illinois point of interest roughly 20 miles from their presumed homes. The Illinois State Police have not confirmed whether the women are in fact local to the area, but are expected to make an announcement regarding their true identities sometime within the next two weeks. [silver lining]

North Korea Poised To Break From Isolation
Officials within North Korea’s government stated a possible move toward breaking from the country’s longtime isolationist stance in favor of engaging South Korea and the greater international community. The Korean communist state has made no secret of its recent preparations for this inevitable interaction with other nations. [silver lining]

May 14th- May 21st

Rapper’s Street Credibility Unquestionable
Atlanta based rapper Dolla, has successfully established himself as a legitimate participant in the hip-hop community after an unforgettable LA appearance. Utilizing the assistance of an old Atlanta acquaintance Dolla, real name Roderick Anthony Burton II, wowed spectators as he brilliantly personified the identity his lyrics suggest. Members of the hip-hop community have already begun to compare the new up-and-comer’s recent performance style to that of rap legend Tupac Shukar, citing a similar flair for the unexpected and breathless delivery. [silver lining]


Chrysler To Make Car-Buying More Exclusive
US automaker Chrysler LLC announced plans to increase public intrigue in its vehicles by offering customers a more exclusive shopping experience. The new adjustment to the automobile line’s 84 year-old business strategy will utilize the economic principle of supply and demand as a means of attracting car buyers dedicated to the elite quality of the brand. At press time automobile giant General Motors has also shown interest in a similar policy. [silver lining]


Japanese Youth Embrace Traditional Customs
Following in the footsteps of their ancestors before them, more Japanese young people are choosing to honor their cultural heritage by taking part in traditional customs. Despite unspoken rituals and the lack of guidance involved in these time-honored activities, most ceremonies are flawlessly executed. [silver lining]

May 6th- May 13th

Santa Barbara Land Cleared For New Development

Architects, engineers, and city planners are flocking to Santa Barbara as land becomes rapidly available for new development. As many as 1300 acres of Santa Barbara land have already been cleared as of Thursday creating quite a buzz in the coastal community’s foothills. [silver lining]

Dodgers’ Ramirez Given Opportunity to Watch Baseball

Major League Baseball has decided to give LA Dodgers’ slugger Manny Ramirez an opportunity to watch the next 50 games of the Dodgers’ 2009 season. The MLB’s gracious decision, which is valued at over $7 million dollars, will give Ramirez close to 2 full months to relax while enjoying America’s pastime from the spectator’s perspective. Ramirez joins Yankees pitcher Sergio Mitre and Phillies reliever J.C. Romero who were offered similar options by Major League Baseball earlier in the season. [silver lining]

NYC Man Meets Kiefer Sutherland

New York Fashion designer Jack McCollough met Hollywood actor Kiefer Sutherland at a trendy SoHo nightspot last Tuesday night. McCollough told reporters he met the “24” star face-to-face and was even fortunate enough to exchange words. As of press time, even the New York Police Department has taken great interest in the star-sighting hoping to find out more about the head-strong actor. [silver lining]